The Vicissitudes

i woo with songs, not poems.

2012-01-28T13:02:00.000-08:00

It seems I am a Beyonce fan :O

2012-01-28T12:16:00.000-08:00

View from Juici Patties in Port Antonio, Portland

2012-01-18T21:44:00.000-08:00

This song exploded in my ears just now after watching an episode of Gossip Girl

2011-12-30T19:35:00.000-08:00

A gift from a friend.....MERRY CHRISTMAS :)

2011-12-25T04:07:00.000-08:00

Last year, I felt poorly around this time. A mystical friend of mine soothed my broken heart. He sent me this video which I've watched several times since :) God loves you and so do I. Merry Christmas. J. Rae

This video pretty much encapsulates how I present what I write.

2011-12-24T07:28:00.000-08:00

JAMAICA BLOG AWARDS 2011......VOTING HAS BEGUN!!!!! VOTING ENDS ON JANUARY 2, 2012 MIDDAY, US EASTERN TIME!!!! HEARRRR YEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-12-23T15:12:00.000-08:00

HELLOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! THE VICISSITUDES HAS BEEN NOMINATED IN THREE EXCELLENT CATEGORIES IN THE 2011 JAMAICA BLOG AWARDS......THE CATEGORIES ARRRREEEE........BUDUUM BUDDUUUUUM BUDDUUUUUMMMM: Best Personal Blog, Best Jamaica Focused Blog and Best Writing on a Blog

So, scroll over my three nominated categories then click, you will be transported to the website of the Jamaica Blog Awards where you can vote for my blog in the said categories mentioned and highlighted. Let's get it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS. VOTE WHERE YOU SEE THE FOLLOWING URL: http://jaquandarae.blogspot.com, don't go looking for "The Vicissitudes"!

Jamaican Wit ;)

2011-12-22T21:43:00.000-08:00

A good woman is not afraid and ashamed of who she is ;)

2011-12-22T21:41:00.000-08:00

After attending Tarrus' concert, I've decided that I won't straighten my hair(now). I like the appreciative focus from the lens of the rastaman :):):):);)

Every day I rise on a prayer.

2011-12-22T21:35:00.000-08:00

the father of my child shall exude matching bellicosity :)

2011-12-16T20:20:00.000-08:00

Christmas Concert this year........

2011-12-02T23:12:00.000-08:00

"Total Praise" by Moravian Surrey Ensemble

Steel Pan which originates from Trinidad...."Great is thy Faithfulness" and "You Raise Me Up" played by Rodney Small.

"I Cannot Tell" performed by a member of The Alphasonics :)

"Evening Time" - classic Jamaican folk song written by the late great Louise Bennett- Coverley....performed by The Alphasonics.....sans the lyrics....well the audience fills in ;)

The future of music :)

I waited all evening to record Dean Fraser for the second time.....as he made his entrance playing "Merry Christmas to You".....my camera's entire memory ran out. I despaired. But not for long.........;)

DAILY INSPIRATION :)

2011-11-25T23:25:00.000-08:00

Crappy sound....was bopping too much with the filming taking place :) :(

When Dean Fraser visited my church this time last year :)

2011-11-25T23:19:00.000-08:00

ON MY BIRTHDAY........

2011-11-25T22:11:00.000-08:00

Which was Thursday, November 24th, I shared the day with the American Thanksgiving holiday. Here is my list of what I realized and did on the day:

1. On the 23rd, I approached my work nemesis and apologized and asked for forgiveness. We had been at each other's throats over "some guy". I realized that I had to listen to the advice I sought from God about the unbearably hostile and unnecessarily dramatic situation I had got myself entangled in. For months, I have prayed on and off about how to resolve my differences with my coworker. The prayer book, the Bible, my mother all said, confront the person. In the end, I decided that my own actions towards the individual were spurned by my feelings of inadequacy, jealousy and envy over a man who does not deserve the intensity of any of those feelings. Hence I apologized for my behaviour. Work relations have improved.

2. On the 24th, I woke wanting to hear a message from God. I read my Bible. I was elated to find that I found my favourite gospel album on my computer which I listened to as I got myself ready for my day. I had no bus fare and God provided a ride to work for me.

3. I pinned a Christmas tree brooch my Grandma gave to me around two months before she died..........on the inside of my small jacket and wore it on my heart all day. I cried at first knowing I was blessed. Knowing that I am blessed. Knowing that the silence is sea deep, earth deep, love deep. And blessed (Derek Walcott).

4. I wore elaborate makeup and took pictures of myself before I left out for work.

5. I had a great day at work. My friend at work got me gummy bears, I love her. I get along quite well with my bosses. I try to keep my unpredictable and volatile temper in check with clients, I manage most times to do a good job at that. Otherwise, my name could very well reach on a radio talk show :( :/

6. My Dad met me at a point on my birthday and dropped off delivered birthday presents. We didn't talk for long but I was very happy to see him. His temper is shorter than mine, which nowadays makes me very amused since we are very similar.

7. A childhood friend in New Zealand sent me a birthday card which my Dad delivered. It reached on November 22nd. It touched me :) But,
I find more significant the importance of the day to the person....to remember to send the card.....by itself, alone. I will keep mush out ;) Thank you :)

8. My favourite cousin is working and sent me a lovely pair of shooooooooesssss for work! YAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY! I love you :)

9. My Mom calls me very regularly and stops by after church sometimes. We have a good time and I love her more than anyone else right now. And I am so thankful for our relationship. You learn so much with time. You learn to focus on love, which is greater than faith and hope. And I love my Mom.

10. I love my sisters and my nieces. Kayla spent time with me at work recently and drew pictures of her family. At two years old, she knows that shoes go on feet in pictures. My eight year old niece, Annaleise and I communicate via postcards. Her birthday is November 4th hence her middle name is Danielle. I just sent off her cards this afternoon :) My big sisters are my life and I cannot do without them.

11. I went to the supermarket/membership club and bought too many items. I am once more broke and upset with myself. But, I have attained several achievements in my growth. Alas, financial responsibility is sloooooooowwwww in being realized. I have faith and hopefully a patient and new financial advisor.

12. I got new pieces of furniture for my studio and I got a kettle! YAY!

13. I am enjoying my life! Thank God.

14. On my birthday, I woke up and read the Corinthians passage about love. And I will always continue to be inspired and try to abide by it. Because I do believe love is the greatest thing on earth. God loved us so much that He gave His Son to be sacrificed so that we could have a chance at eternity. Because of our mortality, we are unable to get there to be in God's presence on our own. So God so loved the world. And we try every day to show love to others. It is the greatest thing. I live my life knowing that my actions are nothing if I am not true and honest to love. I am not concerned so much with pride. I can be a love fool. Most times I am brave. Embarrassment and humiliation are not things I am afraid of. I am, like Sade.....a soldier of love.

15. I like to listen to my church brother sing. I video him at church singing and then I go home and sing the songs he sings when I need to feel close to God. The one I sing a lot now is "I found the answer down on my knees." :)

16. I met a guy years ago and we talk very regularly now. He intermittently asks me to write a poem about him. Well, the one on the side, the excerpt from Lion's Puss.....you were the inspiration behind the line about Earl Grey tea. A patchwork in the quilt. I like you a lot, and my favourite body part(s) of yours (are) your eyes :).

17. My closest friends are not my closest friends right now. But, as scared and as lonely as I have been, living without the only friends I've believed in since I was 18....10 years......as I said to my closest male friend, maybe I am supposed to grow from this friend solitude. And God has sent new people in my life for me to learn to love and trust. The void no longer screams in agony.

18. I am 28. Last year, I defiantly snarled to my mother that I would not turn 28 in her house. By July 4th of this year, I was living in my own studio which is 7 minutes from where I work. I did not think about the fact that what I had snarled to her had been realized. I was mad and angry with my parents. But right now, I am learning not to regret any of my actions or the past. My heart, my mind and my soul are in a better place. And I am 28 years old.

19. God is the centre of all of me. I am nothing without God. When I worked at the church........see the post I wrote about Not So Derelicte .......I found the conditions there unbearable. But I needed the money and I had nowhere else to go. One morning, I drove to work and cried all the way. When I got to work, I prayed and asked God to deliver me. I had never meant it any more than I did that day. I bawled, "God give me deliverance. Please deliver me from this place." Just as my Grandma had in the post I wrote called Thelma. I begged God to deliver me. Within a week, I got a call from where I now work.

20. God is the only thing in my life, the only person who I know will never fail me. And as I said to my friend almost two years ago, I believe in God because I would hate to believe that God does not exist......because that would spell a lonely existence. Never believing that someone is always in your corner, always by your side and always there to love and care for you, have your back. I won't give up God because He is the reason why I am alive and why I want to live.

21. On turning 28, I say, thank you God, Jesus Christ, Heavenly Father. I know I sin every day. Please forgive me for my bad deeds. Thank you for showing love to me. Thank you for changing my life and providing for me. Thank you for making me see 28 years. Thank you for being in my life. Please stay by my side and teach me how to please you. Amen.

THE COWARD'S WAY

2011-11-19T04:41:00.000-08:00

I'm braver than most if not all of the men I've fallen in love with.

WHAT CHILD IS THIS?

2011-11-11T18:44:00.000-08:00

For I have loved you, and your mother with all my life and strength,

but especially you, the sickly last child who reminds me of myself.

Know that the love I have for you will bolster your spirit,

make you strong, make you believe in yourself,

make you know that you are not faint nor

faint in heart.

Do you realize that death, the greatest divider has only

bonded us closer together? I am not in your sight.

But my love for you, all my beloved family.....

I put a leaf on the poinciana,

a glimmer in your tears,

a burning in your guts.

Tell me you feel my love!

The man you loved who I did not love,

I liked him because you loved him.

And he destroyed who you were.

And I stood by you, grandchild,

and your mother, and your father,

and your sisters, and your aunts and uncles,

and all those who are fond of you.

And you became a new girl-woman.

Then the other man you loved,

I did not know until now,

as I watch you talk to your mother

over breakfast.....he told you

that you were weak and sick.

The flame died inside again.

But you bloomed again my daughter.

Your end has not come.

And now, I have left more than two Christmases.

And our love is complete.

You will see me in your mother's heart,

and your nieces' personalities.

I live in all rivers, all mountains,

the air you breathe.

Know that you can do anything through Christ,

who strengthens us all,

because I have departed without

causing your destruction.

You did not die when I did.

Know this and be glad, my child.

koakaNATT!

2011-11-01T03:55:00.000-07:00

Matters Arising:

Ketch im/Hol im etc refers to the coconut bunch, the im or him being the collective noun for the bunch.
Big or Big and Idle - Silly's reference to me, which broadcasts that I am portly.
Morma/Mawma/Norma/Norman - unusual name of the persistent caller
Miss G - a misspelling of my Mom's last name
"Weh yuh neva talk?" which means "Why didn't you say something?" gasped by Silly in between his annihilation of a coconut's substance.
"You dog of no nation, puss of salvation"- a quote I borrowed from a storyteller called Joan Andrea Hutchinson.
The lovely music playing in the background......wondering if it was really from the ghetto down the road......
"Danielle" uttered in the first scene with my Dad catching the first load of coconuts, was uttered because my Dad likes when I help.....lol.

Any questions?

Wedding Song

2011-10-23T20:27:00.000-07:00

Plan on having them sing live :) Got dreams :):)

A MUSING DESERVING PERMANENCE

2011-10-16T18:08:00.000-07:00

A girl I love as a sister asked me for advice one day as it relates to her love life. I honestly said to her.....I don't give advice on relationships any more because I don't follow my own advice.

It occurred to me today after a horrible violation of my intelligence, self-esteem and well-being that......even if I don't know how to achieve a successful relationship......there are some things women must know in black and white:

1. A man can look at you. When he looks at you, you identify love in his eyes. However, he just may look at other women with those same eyes.....and,,,, what you think is love. Is simply lust. Horniness.

2. A man can play mind games mercilessly and deny it. Thing is, he doesn't know he's doing it sometimes because he's too dumb to know the difference. Too used to lying and hiding who he is.

3. If a man wants you, he'll tell you. If you have to ask, he does not want you.

4. If a man cares about you, he'll want to kiss you a lot and hug you with true hugging spirit. If a man doesn't like hugging and kissing, he's an asshole and should have sex with prostitutes.

5. If a man is in love with you, you will know. You won't have to try to figure out how he feels. This is a fact.

6. If you want sex, have sex. If you want a relationship based on sex you can build one after the sex. If you want love, COMMIT yourself to annihilating sex for several months, several. What I have learnt is that, the unknown - that is, what happens after you enter each other's bodies, is scary....you may decide to get it over and done with, take the pressure off the act itself....however, jumping into early sex is like a man who comes quick....the experience is so much less pleasant, you feel cheated, like the encounter could have been so much more fulfilling. The unknown should not be feared. So, women, believe that you deserve a chance to be valuable wife material. And step away from the warm breath, the back rub, foot rub, alcohol, serenading crooners. Just say thanks, good night.

7. Today a thoughtless, immature microscopic bit of scum disrespected me. And you know what, I made him do that. Because of how much I spoilt him, was biased in his favour. No matter the amount of disrespect he meted out, I constantly and unfailingly took his side, always thinking from the side of my brain that swam in my love for him. Today was the last straw. I can't consider myself a smart young woman, and have someone demand to know why I want to be kissed and hugged....because that is not their thing. Well, you know what? Go and die. You utterly messed up slag.

8. I'll be 28 in a few weeks. God sees and knows, I won't be enduring any more self inflicted disrespect. To hell with any man who does not treat me like the royalty I am. Just go and jump off a cliff and impale yourself on a jagged rock while you scream for mercy as vultures devour your liver alive.

You've Got Mail :)

2011-10-10T17:54:00.000-07:00

In 2010, I prayed for a social life. I had been on two dates in 2 and a half years. God has a way of giving me everything I ask for. But as I said recently, it's just for me to handle my blessings carefully. This song calms me and helps me to be grateful for the life I have. It might not be the life I saw for myself when I was a teenager thinking about how much I would enjoy being an adult, a woman. It might not even be the way I want to spend the rest of my life. But, the key element of this song and why I appreciate it, is that - it gives me hope. And I believe that one day, I will find the missing half of my heart, my twin spirit and the one I will always want to see on any given day, time, mood or vicissitude........more to come for my birthday :):)

Dutty! Dutty!

2011-10-09T05:34:00.000-07:00

Videos!

2011-10-05T19:43:00.000-07:00

DESTINATION: PORT MARIA, SAINT MARY

2011-10-04T22:14:00.000-07:00

listen to the radio as you journey :)

Accident en route

Bemused rooftop spectator

His girlfriend, our commentator

Was a great day as you can see :)

took a walk down to the seaside

the view before my walk from glass louvres

came across naughty junior on my way to the seaside :)

as my niece says :muuuuuuusiccccc :)

big ship didn't fit the sea.......

A bald headed Rastafarian

Bald Headed Rasta demanded that I take this picture. Glad he did :)

let's go to the park :)

Between last week and Sunday

2011-09-29T18:32:00.000-07:00

Lawn Grooming

This young lady will be 74 on November 23rd.

I told her I was a journalist. Does the trick these days ;)

A Street Dance called Sunday Spice

2011-09-26T19:03:00.000-07:00

Preeing di Rain :)

2011-09-24T16:44:00.000-07:00

Ironically, the ivy will be chopped next week.......I can't reconcile my future action with what I wrote about the ivy last year. Shit.

5000 MASH PAGE VIEW CELEBRATION :)

2011-09-22T23:54:00.000-07:00

Almost 5 G !!!!!..................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-09-07T09:40:00.000-07:00

Taking a few days to rest my body. Will start going for walks more regularly and as of this morning, had to abort the fry campaign and embrace Mr Boil...............my blood pressure is up! Very shocking to me at age 27 plus. I guess people are right when they say I worry too much.

Anyway, today is going ok. I boiled a ripe plantain....mhm.....and I boiled two frankfurters. It will take a lot of getting used to, :):):):):):) I even did a little calisthenics this morning. I'm doing better than yesterday :)

I noticed that I have 4,906 page views. I remember when I had 1000 nuff and I was ecstatic going towards 2000 page views. I posted about it. And now, I have almost 3,000 more. I'm grateful and thankful.

Thank you for checking out my blog. It is the one thing to do with my privacy that cannot offend me.....it is public after all :):):)

When we reach 5000 page views, I believe I will have a special celebratory blog post ;):)

Walk good.

PS. Dear God, please take care of Brother Las.

MOST HIGH BLESS ME YEAHH...

2011-08-20T18:52:00.000-07:00

HAVE MERCY ON A GOOD GIRL ;)

2011-08-20T18:34:00.000-07:00

don't rock my boat.

2011-08-20T13:44:00.000-07:00

The only time I've been prouder was when Veronica Campbell Brown cried on the Olympic podium taking her gold. This is outstanding.

2011-08-20T10:59:00.000-07:00

So, how mi have Jamaican blog and no Bob? Mi a live inna luuu to blood seed.

2011-08-20T10:41:00.000-07:00

WHEN, WHEN, WHEN, WHEN

2011-08-20T10:34:00.000-07:00

Biggest movement in recent reggae times. No turning back.

I'M STILL WAITING

2011-08-20T10:21:00.000-07:00

It took me a year to fall in love with this song.

AND BURNING.

2011-08-20T10:18:00.000-07:00

PROTO J.A.A.A......WI A TRY

2011-08-20T10:14:00.000-07:00

VIDEO TIME

2011-08-20T10:08:00.001-07:00

DENBIGH AGRICULTURAL SHOW, Clarendon, Jamaica.

2011-07-31T13:22:00.000-07:00

On the way there.

Old Harbour Square

Childhood building :)

Clarendon

Pix got jumbled....on the way home, men playing football in the rain :)

Favourite pic out the set :)

How's the pickle? Sooo good :):):):)

Cups r us :)

Sounnnnn :)

Turned Cornmeal: Forked this up heartily :)

EE heats ha guinepth....He eats a guinep :)

Ties for Favourite pic <3

;)

coworker :)

My type a Daddy :)

Will try to snap Coffee Industry Board tomorrow

AG PEN :)

I'm brave :):)

Nyshe :)

Day 2 @ Denbigh....Emancipation Day

Playful flirting @ Mz. Coi :)

Fishy

Aquaculture an dem niggaz

Tiger Balm....heh heh :)

Kin ya see me now?

bzzzzzztttt

The yam looks explicit, doanit?

My favourite Sagittarian.....cop his pickles ;)

Avocado, Ackee, Plantain

Coffee as promised

From Wallenford

And from Coffee Industry Board :)

Mangoes too :)

CLAIM IT

2011-07-24T23:07:00.000-07:00

Aunty D, come in the back with me and Mommy.

2011-07-23T10:34:00.000-07:00

Wink and a Smile ;) :)

2011-06-05T15:47:00.000-07:00

One of the funnier highlights involved

a cemetery and an overdue

bathroom break :):):):)

St. Andrew, St. Mary, Portland....Jamaica.

2011-06-04T12:56:00.000-07:00

I sang a lot on this trip. Songs pushed and shoved, fought their way to escape my brain and surface on the outside. I've included two which I assaulted my co-passengers with and one that is also nice, which I did not slay on the occasion :)...........Did you know that you can click on a pic and it will enlarge.....then you can click the X to return to the main story.....?........ :)

I went to Portland for my job.

beauty makes the heart sing


Havendale, Saint Andrew

MA.


CONTROVERSIAL JAMAICAN CASINO GAMBLING


Stony Hill Square

JAMAICAN TOP PATTY.

THE COUNTRY OF CHURCHES

ORIGINAL KING OF JAMAICAN PATTIES


FOG :)

Saint Mary I believe.

Saint Mary made me think of John Denver

SAINT MARY BANANAS.

The blue signals Portland....my pix are a lil jumbled. Blame .......

MY CO-WORKER'S FANTASY HOME

Blue Walk

Once, my Grandma and I were talking about food and I asked her if she was lactose intolerant. She thought for a few seconds and then said mournfully: No Danielle, I doan drink Lasco.

Our driver advocated for a political pic. I soon delete the raas :)


I noticed several loners at points, sitting on dykes, listening to their own heartbeats.

Yes, I was singing this song. Yes, I was thinking of someone.

Blue blue sea.

The bridge that led to work.

Tarrus Baby, not even you can escape my skepticism :):):)....BRAND NEW!!!!

2011-05-21T16:14:00.000-07:00

Thirst Quenched

2011-05-14T04:47:00.000-07:00

I don't trust my memories of basking
in the softness of your ray.
Reason and patchwork
have no place in a race
to remember chartreuse wings
that coloured the garden
last summer. It is May now.

...is the things I write about your death....
....your eyes, blue and strange....
....your cackle contralto......
.... the hymns, the syllabic sigh.....

One day I sobbed from sunrise to sunset.
Water parched, my dreams that night were
a kaleidoscope...from nowhere,
A hand! bursting from a funeral booklet.
A wake and bawl, thirst quenched.

Happy Mother's Day to my Mother and my Mother's Mother

2011-05-08T10:48:00.000-07:00

I'll never go a day without my Mama.......you're always with me and the love we share makes my soul never want. With all my love,

Your daughter and granddaughter.

The Sacrifice of Love and my thoughts on Love a year later.

2011-04-22T11:56:00.000-07:00

There is a scene in the movie The Great Debaters where Denzel Washington tells his students that he is there to help them reclaim their righteous minds.

I fought tooth and nail last year to hang on to mine. It was very hard. But thank you Jesus, I fought the battle and came out on top. And now, who the fuck will try to take me down? I don' even know :)

But I remember quite a substantial chunk of some of the things I wrote about and later deleted on the Vicissitudes. One of them was a musing that I thought the Vicissitudes was a little bit like the movie What Women Want.

I think that what I do when I come here and write, is a strength giver and life sustainer....to myself. To say that my blog tells men the secrets of what women think and hide from them? Not particularly, no. I write here to add a new colour, or brighten or tone down a shade. I am painting my life as a picture, a painting that only I can judge and give value to. It is my journal, I share it with you. Sometimes it gets political, since it is public. But nevertheless, welcome to my art, my journal, my life.

On Facebook, I constantly add and delete people. Especially men. And to be truthful, it is no longer "constantly" but still, it can be a little uncomfortable.......when you have to write all the time knowing that some of your audience is not peripheral to you nor indifferent. But still, donkey seh di worl nuh level. Guess donkey has a big dick and a pea brain. :)

So, to give some form and direction to this new post, it's Easter. I am on holiday from work. I miss going to church. Today is Good Friday. God died for me. He gave me my best friends, my family, experiences that hurt but have not killed me, only made me stronger. He gave me a good new job, and he's given me better wages. AMEN! With all of that in mind, I really want to go and be in his house and just say, Thank you, Jesus. One of my mentors suggested I change churches when I explained that there is a rift between myself and my church. But as I see it, the church of God is in your heart. "Church" is the house of the Lord. And the Lord resides inside of all of us. So the man-made temple is just to commune with other believers. It does not mean that there, is the only place you can feel God. Therefore, one man-made temple serves the purpose of all of them. So, I expect to be in my church on Easter Sunday. I'm excited.

Because of God's love I try to be inspired and love people the way God loves me. I fall off the wagon a lot, some of my ex's call me "vexy vexy" because I am prone to malice :) But I tend to be very forgiving, even when I am not asked for forgiveness, I still forgive. But yes, when Jesus died on the cross for us so we could live and not perish, I doubt he said, ok, I am dying for this set but not the set that did that type of sin, because that sin is worse than this one. Nope. God died for all of us.

I try to translate that into my life and especially my love life. I am not a particularly judgmental person. In fact, it is usually strange behaviour, appearance or just those strange men that I tend to really fall in love with. None of them have been perfect. And, I hasten to add that I sought perfection in the past and it stung me in my? ASS. After that, I have been fine not trying to fit all the pieces of the puzzle together. Only God can fit the jigsaw of our entire lives together.

So, I've dated several different types of personalities. None perfect but just to my liking. I used to go into relationships thinking that the man was a good choice, safe and less likely to break my heart. But, nope, there are no guarantees with love. I am trying to cultivate the mindset that love is for how you feel now. Because you don't know if you'll be around next year, next week, tomorrow. I am willing to give men I would never give a chance, a chance.....now. Life is slightly confusing sometimes now, because there are different guys out there, and I am not getting a chance to groom any loyalty. But, it's ok. New to me, but ok.

Last year I thought that unless the guy seemed perfect in his imperfections I would not date him. Because I only dated at that time with the intention of putting his and my life together in the future. These days, all I want from a man, is a man to talk to me and tell me how he feels. That's it. It's all I ask. If you don't want to talk to me, well, we won't be together..........

Easter is supposed to be commemorating God's gift of eternal life to his children who accept and love him. Thank you for dying for my sins Lord. I pray for all my loved ones, here and with you. I pray that we all will love each other without passing judgment, accepting each other, flaws and all, and following your example in being selfless, loyal, kind and brave for the ones we love. Amen.

Shot at the Blue Lagoon in Port Antonio, Jamaica.

2011-03-31T20:46:00.000-07:00

I am.

My Mom in 3

2011-03-26T12:32:00.000-07:00

In Memoriam

2011-03-12T04:54:00.000-08:00

My older post titled In Memoriam was my first poem after a more than two year break from writing. It was two months after my Grandma's passing, and so very difficult.... with her absence and silence growing and growing....the void in which I walked around, dazed, was stuck on Ne Me Quitte Pas. It was my only soundtrack. A pain that was best described in a language I still don't understand but always feel.

When I wrote that poem, I was not very confident about it, as is usually the case with my new poems, more so when I've just returned from hiatus. In the poem I said that I saw my Grandma in a dream and she comforted me. In fact, that was just to comfort myself. I only see her in daydreams, pictures and everything that makes me who I am. I haven't dreamt about her. All I dream about these days is my new and promising career.....sounds so facetious, maybe I am being.... a little bit.

It used to worry me that she hasn't come to talk to me in my dreams as yet. Sometimes I wonder if I've dreamt about her and forgotten by sunrise. But, then I remember that whenever I dream about someone I really love and care for.....I always remember in the morning.

We are so much alike, Grandma and me. We love to laugh, entertain people, and cry easily. Quite melodramatic, emotional, take long to let go of lost loves. We really love each other and we really love our family. Wi kinda soft :)

I remember a time when Grandma got very sick, maybe 4 years ago in 2007. I went to see her in the hospital and she looked so sick and in pain, with a disturbing tube passing blood from her urine to a bag. I didn't understand.....it broke my heart. I broke down, crying and left the room, not wanting to stress her out. It was her face too.....it was enduring so much and looking so forlorn yet resigned. I went outside the ward and I certainly had a good cry. It was the first and only time I wept in a hospital for her.

Last year when she was sick it was very different. I didn't cry at that time, somehow I was in severe shock and just chanting "Be strong". Plus, she had started giving us hints that she sensed she would be leaving. When my sister got engaged in January last year, she was thrilled. She asked me when her date would be. When I said December....................she gave me such a sad, regretful smile. She didn't think she would last a year.
So, when she got weaker and a little depressed, I dunno, I guess I was a bit more accepting of what she believed and tried to prepare us for.

Some days, I wish I could get a hug. She gave great hugs and made me feel so happy and comfy. When my coworker talks about her own Grandma and how she lends my coworker money and demands its return, I blink a lot because I can see how much the girl loves that woman. Any Grandma I see now, makes me miss mine.

I got my last hug. It was a good one too. She had just tidied. And I was getting her dressed. She wasn't eating much. She couldn't even sit up on her own. I went and sat behind her on the bed, propped her up with my hands and put my arms around her from behind. I held on tight. It was the last hug and I am so glad that I got it. She was warm in my arms, she was my Grandma, alive, not very well. But I hugged that woman and clutched her to me.

After that, we only held hands....in silence with varying smile widths. And after that she was............

Dear Grandma,

Thank you for my Mom. You gave me my Mom. Thanks :) She's still here, I still have her. And my family and my friends. Thanks for watching over me. And helping me think more clearly in serious situations. I'm doing ok, Mama. We'll be ok. One year you have left us. We're doing ok.

Dear God, thank you for my Grandma.

Glossary:

She had just tidied - She had just been given a light bath.

Check out "Shreds" on Tongues of the Ocean :)

2011-02-13T11:21:00.000-08:00

CLICK!

Not So deRelicte Part I: What does kindness entail, prescribe and attract?

2011-01-30T08:17:00.000-08:00

Hi my friends. I wonder if you're getting a little squirmish like myself about how The Vicissitudes is starting to look like a facebook page? It serves a purpose though. Sometimes I have challenges that I'd rather not talk about directly. I prefer to post something kicky and funny and definitely Jamaican-themed. (With the exception of the Trey Songz interview, haha.) When I have processed the relevant situation, I write. And also when it is most appropriate and convenient. So, don't give up on me please. I still write.

I had also been sending some of my blog posts to newspapers. So, I had started to style the wording differently. But, it seems the newspapers are....ya: A waste of my time. So, I am going to just be like Vybz Kartel and? Du wa mi waa fi du! A feel like tekking it to dem dis year!

So! Here we go!

In my post in October last year I spoke about a not so derelicte work situation. I refrained from getting into details on my blog because you know how the internet is. Well, as of last Friday I no longer work for my church as the secretary. So, I am ready.

It is funny that I became a church secretary. Most people don't believe me when I say I am a Christian. With my dirty language and all the things you just may have noticed in my writing, I think the reaction is fair. But, yeah, I am my own Christian. In my own way.

I'd been home for a year working temp jobs in spurts. I needed an income in order to save, hopefully go back to law school or go and do a Masters in Fine Arts. But jobs are increasingly hard to come by these last days. I found out that the then secretary had resigned. So, after a taxing year of applying for several jobs, no interviews and being passively bummed out - I just said to my pastor...I think I'd like to apply for the job as secretary. He was surprised, exclaimed I was overqualified. I told him that it was not a problem. In fact, I said something very alarmingly true which was: The jobs I am qualified for are being taken by Ph.D holders because they can't get anything either.

The next day, I was asked to start later in the week. It seemed to be a blessing.

My Grandma had said our last prayer together in the Christmas of 2009. She had held my hand gently with a little squeeze and asked God to provide a job for me and a good life for the new year. She was so thrilled when I told her in January 2010 that the prayer had worked. As it always did. As it still does. She had said to me: Alright then... Aum, Danielle. I want to ask you one more thing. And I don't want you to laugh. You si like how Kamille (my sister) is a Sunday School teacher? I think you should teach Sunday School too.

Then she gave me her little happy, mischievous smile. So, yeah, she prayed and I got the job.

In terms of relating this to the focus of kindness: the pastor and I were kind to each other. They needed a secretary, I needed a job. The job didn't pay much but it helped and it paid most of my bills. I gave service to my church and I guess to God. They took me out of the land of broke pocket babysitting. I became myself again to an extent and was no more a temperamental zombie. The job could be seen as a mutual act of kindness.

The job situation was not "strange yet beautiful" however. It was on a whole a big potentially dangerous and demotivating scenario. My church is located in a garrison basically which is an area rife with crime and violence. I've never considered myself a snob or a bourgeois person. But hey, the workplace was beneath my standards. It was bad also because I spent a lot of time alone and had an actual run in with criminals coming in, trying to pounce on me....twice the church was broken into while I worked there.....I wasn't physically there however at the time of the robberies. My last day was Friday past and I rejoiced because on Monday which is tomorrow I won't have to go to work and sit alone all day....I won't have to be brave and play tough to a scary faced ex-convict who comes regularly insisting on a donation from the pastor.

I've been holding my breath for a year. I will stray but get back to the point :)

The job tried to break my spirit. It really did. Not because I had a rude or slave driver boss or bitchy coworkers. It almost broke my spirit because I was finding out that the church that I had come to be a part of and love as my family.....was a sham.
I didn't feel like Sister Danielle, the young Christian woman trying to be a good person and servant of God. I felt like Sister Danielle, the one who had fallen from grace, had to take a job as a low income wage earner and hence, not be worthy of the church members' love and understanding. It was very tough. A huge awakening. I will never think the same about the church again. But, I am still grateful that I got a chance to make an income and have some sort of life as an adult.

So in a way, I guess I could stop and ponder kindness in light of this revelation. What does charity entail, prescribe and attract?

When I started phrasing this article in my head, I wanted to focus on a few representative incidents that occurred during my time there. Things that happened that made me see poverty, wealth, Christianity and life differently:

Maybe two months after I had started working at the church, the phone rang. The person on the line asked me if this is the number to call for prayer. I said, this is a church. You can come in for prayer. She said, can I get prayer on the phone? I said, I am just the secretary. It would be best for you to come and sit and pray with the Pastor or an elder. She said "Is arite." And she hung up. I was torn and upset with myself for several weeks after. So, I said, I will do better.

A few weeks later. A woman came to the office door telling me that her husband had hit her in her back with a shovel. She also said her tooth was rotting and she was getting an ear infection, she showed me her ear and temple which were swollen and inflamed. She showed me her shoes that were falling apart. She told me she needed help. I almost cried. I said to her, come back here in two weeks. I will have some things for you. That was a Friday. The following Monday she was back. I explained to her that I meant two weeks because that would be pay day. She left. I got some things for her in the supermarket on pay day. Stuff that would help. I called her because I had taken her number. She came by, she took the things. She was so happy. So was I.

Within a week she was back, and I was now referred to as her angel. She brought her son for me to meet. She came to set an appointment to see the Pastor for counselling. I set the appointment. She came, but the Pastor had not remembered. I rescheduled. This time the Pastor came early. I reminded her twice about the appointment and also I reminded the Pastor. She came an hour and a half late when another person had gone to see the Pastor. She blamed me, asked me why was I trying to hurt her? Harm her? What had she done? why did she deserve this treatment? Why was I nice to her and now so awful? Didn't I think that one day I would need help? Sorry for me, because one day I will not get help and I will suffer.

After that she came back a number of times, sometimes with her abusive husband. A part of me died. A part of the good part of me.

They would come, be rude, demanding goods and just be spirit killing nuisances. Because I had bought goods for her, word spread and junkies started coming by the office. One of them came when I was alone as usual. He was deranged and told me so. He begged for money to buy food because he was just released from prison and was broke. I gave him 200 Jamaican dollars, he came back within an hour saying the money had fallen through a hole in his pocket. Could I give him more?

Another came between that junkie's first and second visit. So 20 minutes after the junkie left the first time. This one insisted that I buy him a pair of shoes because he wants me to take care of him.

........it was rough. Being kind. Caring about someone less fortunate. I questioned the purpose of kindness. Whether people should really give.

You know, what it entails, prescribes and attracts.

It hurts now too.

Well, I got over the trauma for the most part. I died a little, part of the young, unaware good part. Several crazy people came and will continue to come to the church. A one handed Rasta man came once demanding to see the Pastor so he could take back what belonged to him.....because he was Joseph the brother of Jesus, son of Mary. Another man in a shirt and tie and briefcase came daily for a week asking to see the Pastor, saying he was a minister from overseas who was in Jamaica for a while while his wife was staying in Jerusalem. He once camped out on the floor outside and did his devotions. When I was asked to find out what he wanted to see the Pastor about. He said. that he needed somewhere to keep his suitcases and was wondering if the Pastor could accommodate him.

There is a Jamaican poet by the name of Edward Baugh. Very accomplished but not well known. He has a poem called Nigger Sweat. I quoted it several times last year. The final lines of the poem are:

"and a promise you, boss,
if I get through I gone,
gone from this bruk-spirit, kiss-me-arse place."

I ended the journey as the secretary of the church. My spirit will rebound but I will never forget the experience.

In closing, as bad as things were and got, I still managed to pray for someone before I left. A woman just walked off the street, very distraught and basically, you know like when you don't care so you look like a ruthless cowboy at a show down? She was at her rope's end. She told me she wanted to kill herself. Because of what she had to go through because of poverty. She said a woman directed her to go to the church and talk to someone. Somehow she got there she said, she said she didn't know how. I said, the Pastor is coming in an hour. She said, she couldn't wait. Just talk to her. So she told me what was upsetting her. And I was scared as hell but, I took control and I prayed. When I said Amen she looked like she needed more. She had desperately needed prayer. She left. I felt strange but prouder of myself as a person....not so unworthy to be called a Christian......I remember now, how in September last year when I was dealing with the church robberies, my depression over my Grandma's passing, a bit of man drama.....how I called my cousin in New Jersey. She was in the doctor's office herself with a family emergency. She needed to go somewhere immediately. And I heard her insisting to her husband that he give her some time with me. And in the middle of her turmoil, she found time to support me in mine. She prayed.

I remember these things. And I say, thank you Jesus. Thank you for friends, family, love, life and YOU!

Amen.

The male dancer makes this video PoP! pOp! POP!

2010-12-24T20:07:00.000-08:00

2000 Page Views! A Weh Yuh Nah Seh!

2010-12-16T21:36:00.000-08:00

Milestone in order!!! 2000 Page Views as of December 11, 2010 at 12 35 am. Good to know people are stopping by :) Feel free and tell a friend....and an agent, joke.

More in the works. Likkle bit :)

Bring English Pounds Cause $US Not Running Again

2010-12-06T03:37:00.000-08:00

Interesting Hmmm?

2010-12-05T21:42:00.000-08:00

At Helshire Beach

2010-12-05T21:01:00.000-08:00

this little boy reminded me of myself

fisherman

fat, sometimes skinny girl :)

Another Article On the Way...... but in the meantime, I found this muy interesante.

2010-11-29T10:39:00.000-08:00

Is the sweetest chocolate really flavoured shit?

One Week til my 27th Birthday

2010-11-17T19:51:00.000-08:00

.....and what keeps running through my mind is this: soon time to write my Soundtracks at 28 1/2.
I am very serious :):):)

Got drenched in the rain this morning. Hopefully I won't be sick though I usually am on my day.

In the movie "Notorious" which tells the story of the late rapper Biggie Smalls aka Notorious BIG, there is a scene where the actor playing Biggie, says grace at the table. Everyone bows their heads as Biggie says "Dear God, (pause) Thank you. Amen"

Dear God, thank you for this beautiful gift of life which you have given me. A year older, a few more grey hairs, very first inklings of crows feet. Thankfully, also present: my family, my best friends, my creativity, my dreams, my hope, my fascination with the strange yet beautiful.

We're in this together. Let's do this.

Amen.

Hawaiian Flavour

2010-11-17T19:33:00.000-08:00

Heh Heh

2010-11-17T15:19:00.000-08:00

Didn't know he was that tall or that young.....but I realized everything else long long time ;)

Stitching

2010-11-06T19:43:00.000-07:00

I will stitch and stitch again,

but I won’t sing.

This thread unravels and fusses

itself when I try to make little

forget-me-nots,

The way you taught me,

always in song. First

wet it with your tongue…

after you clear your throat.

Then the younger eye will knot

but you will save my clothes

and my soul, and all those who hear:

“Alleluia, what a Saviour! Alleluia! Amen!

The Redeemer has come. The Redeemer has come.”

I couldn’t sew before.

One day I might sing Alleluia.

Grass Yard Market in Spanish Town, Jamaica

2010-10-24T10:06:00.000-07:00

I come here once in a while, usually for inspiration. This time, I went there to take pictures. A poem or two may come too.

Bowcat the blind Chee Chip (Cheese Trix or Tiggaz) vendor

Sky Juice Vendor.....old time sinting (something)

CALLALOO

YELLOW YAM

And all these things :)

VYBZ KARTEL swears by BLUE or CAKE soap (laundry stain remover) in keeping his cool (read bleached) complexion

Jah First

I liked his produce...I liked him :)

"Local made Clarks"

I like scales :)

Guavas in a bucket

COBBLER

Hello Grandma :)

It is a nice change from reality, the market....yet it is real :)

Second market muse, first one had been a serious ganja smoker :)

OLD MARKET STREET

My Mom and her possessive and jealous cart man....he's a sweetheart :)

A warm and earnest hustler who begged me not to take her pic, but her produce by all means :)

Was trying to protect identities....aww well :):)

Prayer

2010-10-17T16:29:00.000-07:00

Dear God,

The day Grandma went home, I nearly passed out at work. For a few days my stomach had been upset and on her day of departure I struggled to stay conscious at work....it was the worst I had ever felt. I contemplated taking a nap at a friend's home on the way to mine but I pressed on and drove slowly, narrowly escaping accidents, my mind far away.

I got home, and also got the call.

I've never had to deal with grief Lord. And you have made me the type of person to turn my pain into a lesson. But I just want to say God: thank you for allowing me to experience love in this way. I probably don't know how to love a man, or maybe I have forgotten. But God, I realize now that I felt a powerful love for my Gran. I thank you for facilitating grief. This way, if and when it happens again, I won't be caught so off guard.

I was scared God. She went home March 12. And it wasn't until September that I said with all the horror and trauma I have ever known - "Shit".

But, I feel better knowing now that it's my time to grieve. If it lasts for a long while, I will try to manage God. I know you always have my back even when I don't ask for your protection. Thank you.

God, I'm praying for all of my family. I'm praying for Debbie. Help her please. Continue to hug all of us. Tight, tight, tight. Bless all of us, the ones of us who never got enough time. With her. Those of us who are still in shock and haven't broken down as yet. Help those of us who................need you to help us.

Whoever you are, you are in our hearts. In all of our hearts. If we can care, if we can love, if we can be kind, if we can be a friend to someone - you are right there. If we do the wrong things over and over, beat up ourselves, our minds and our temples......I know you are there even more.

The longer I live, the harder it gets. But I am grateful to you for giving me my Grandma. I will always love her. I ask your forgiveness and hers for the times when I should've been a better granddaughter to her and I fell short. Please give me the chance to do a better job now.

I'm sorry I cut my hair Grandma. I was mad at you. I won't cut it again.

Love.

Hey :)

2010-10-04T21:39:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone. I just want to say that I am very much here. I had to say hey because I'm noticing that I am getting more viewers from very exciting places....UKRAINE????.....wow! Many thanks for checking out the Vicissitudes. I have quite an interesting, not so deRELICTE work situation going on. But, I really believe I am going to write a wonderful little ditty-not on it. Heh Heh. It will touch on topics like: what exactly does kindness entail, prescribe and attract; this thing of faith according to Christianity....the best part where they say that without works it is dead; how I feel about life and perhaps I will have to do a part 2 based on a startling yet comforting conversation I had tonight with my best friend. I dunno, there is a lot to say...but only when I am in the spirit to etch it on my blog.

I am here everyone, the sun shines still and I do smile genuinely. Thank God for this beautiful gift of life.

Jaquanda Rae

Praying With My Grandma

2010-09-19T21:12:00.000-07:00

The last time I remember members of my church coming by my home to visit and worship with my family, I remember being extremely self-conscious and on the verge of tears. I distinctly remember that in my prayer (we were in a ring, holding hands) I asked God to never stop loving us even when we do not love ourselves.

And He hasn't.

First it was the day I got really funny exciting news and made my way to her room, then stopped. Then it was the fact that she can't write down any more humorous recipes for me. Now, it's the fact that she can't hold my hand gently yet tightly and pray for me.

I had a big adventure recently and I really really wished that when I got home I would have been able to go in her room and have her pray for me. I was driving home with my Dad. Thinking about having to pray by myself, feeling really low.

Then, I just saw this beautiful, sunset ahead of me, stretching across the sky, so beautiful I couldn't cry or frown....I had to just try to steal a piece of its beauty.

When I went home, I walked into my grandmother's room and sat on the bed. I whispered "Kayla" but she was not nearby....I was afraid to pray by myself.

I clasped my hands and closed my eyes, holding back the tears. This time praying I just said, "Whatever is your will, Lord, help me to accept it. Please keep my Grandma close to me. Help me to enjoy all you have given me in this life."

When I opened my eyes, I felt different. Calmer. The adventure did not take off. And I am much more accepting than I expected to be. Because this time, I saw a sign that I was not alone. And that is all I need to know.

TG.

Pearl's Funeral

2010-09-13T13:57:00.000-07:00

Never come to weep today, Pearl;
But, your children dropping

salt water in my belly bottom,

an’ nothing else nuh in there.

Granny teach me how to make
dumpling, steam fish
and stew peas…she love
all my man because
she love me.

She call mi name over and over,
the day, like to say:
Danielle, I having a stroke,
Danielle, I have pneumonia,
Danielle, the bed sores hurting mi,
Danielle, I going to die.
Danielle, I ready.
Danielle, let me die.

Sister Pearl, you don’t look nothing like
my Pearl. But your children sorrow is mine.

My Pearl gone. Mi love gone.
What I going do?

The First and Last Time I was Interested in Jamaican Politics.

2010-09-13T10:07:00.000-07:00

"DON'T DRAW MY TONGUE"

"DISCONNECT"

(The Full Version)

2010-09-11T05:46:00.000-07:00

WHAT IS THE FUTURE OF DANCE AND MUSIC IN THE CARIBBEAN?

DANCE:

When we think of the future, it is natural to contemplate our youth, whether past or present. One of my greatest accomplishments during my pre-adolescent years was my starring role in a dance performance at my elementary or primary school (as we say in Jamaica) when I was 8 years old. I remember now, 19 years later, the final rehearsal… pacing the steps, feeling the hot concrete on my bare feet, as I wore my big sister’s long, blue nightgown as my costume. The dance was choreographed in the spirit of a revivalist experience. It was an exciting time for me – head wrapped with a colourful scarf, anchored by two No.2 pencils on either temple. The tricky part about this last rehearsal was that I would not do the final, most electrifying segment of the Pocomania-flavoured piece on the burning, concrete, open-air platform.
I found out that morning that for the final part of the show, I would roll and writhe as the choreographed spirits would be exorcised out of my artfully thrashing body by my dancing partner…on the sun-roasted, tar and gravel quadrangle. It was a difficult scene to get accustomed to which apparently was never the objective of my dance teacher, Miss Cross (no pun intended). I was there to shine however, so I gingerly rolled, fluttered and writhed; outsides being scorched by the pebbles, insides being lovingly fired up like a beautiful rotisseried Reggae Jammin brand whole chicken.

I nailed the performance later in the afternoon. When I realized after the performance was over, how something else took over as I did the tun yuh roll, tek rebuke demon, get behind me Satan routine, how my commitment to the piece made me forget all the discomfort; focus and become the child revivalist in the moment - I knew I wanted to dance for the rest of my life.
Sadly, after that, within a year, I transferred to a primary school in another part of the country that did not have an active dance troupe. And after that, I started high school in St. Andrew, the urban centre of Jamaica. Sadly again, during my 8 years at the institution, there was no dance troupe for the students to belong. My dream of being a dancer died.
******

How many of us have given up on dreams? Of dancing? What does it take to make it in this art? Will dance matter in the next 10, 20, 1000 years? How do “Caribbeans” feel about our dance art? Can Caribbean dance match up with the forms from elsewhere? Should it? Should cultures be measured against each other? I probed these notions, playfully assaulting the minds and reservations of some of the most accomplished dance artists in the Caribbean region….

We were taught as regional high school students that our African forefathers danced to solidify and unite themselves with each other and their motherland: in essence to reaffirm who they were. Caribbean descendants of Africans allegedly fared better in having an African culture more readily accessible due to the fact that African slave dancing was not prohibited; African–Americans perhaps search a bit harder to identify with Mama Africa because their forefathers’ homeland dance culture was severely restricted.
….Then again, in Jamaica, we say [Black] people are a clever people because “we tu[r]n we hand and mek fashion”. I’m sure Africa lives on in a good portion of our dances today.

Thus, we go to the interviews. We probe the mentioned issues and more to discover: what is the future of Dance in the Caribbean.

The dancers:

Barry Moncrieffe. Artistic Director, NDTC - Celebrated and internationally acclaimed Jamaican dancer and fashion designer. Newly at the helm of Jamaica National Dance Theatre Company (NDTC), following the passing of Professor, the Hon. Rex Nettleford, founder of NDTC and essential, seminal Caribbean culture academic. Barry began dancing with NDTC at its inception as a principal dancer in 1962 but he mentions first that come 2012 he would have been a part of the company for 50 years. He is looking ahead.

NDTC is a Jamaican dance powerhouse, honing the skills of some of the region’s finest dancers and leading the way in upholding a standard of excellence for the Caribbean dance art form.

DJ: What is NDTC’s mission statement?

BM: Same as the title of Prof’s most recent book - “Renewal and Continuity.”

DJ: What does it take to make it as an NDTC performer?

BM: Commitment! All of our dancers have careers, are professionals with sometimes very
demanding schedules. They dance out of dedication to their passion because there is no
monetary compensation for being an NDTC dancer. And we meet 3 times for the week.

DJ: What do you want NDTC to mean to Jamaica, the Caribbean and the world in the many years
ahead?

BM: NDTC performances must be identified as special, coming from the Caribbean.

DJ: What is NDTC’s current preoccupation?

BM: Prof. choreographed over 70 pieces for NDTC. We want them to survive - we honour his
spirit.

DJ: Where do you see dance in Jamaica going in the near and distant future?

BM: The only way we can go is forward. Experimentation will happen. But we (NDTC) are
concerned with keeping our culture alive.

DJ: What, if any, are some substantial challenges that the Art of Dance MUST overcome in
Jamaica and the Caribbean in order to (further) validate itself in the wider global
arena in the future?

BM: There has to be more respect for dance. There is not enough financial support or credit
given to dance in the Caribbean. Cricket gets so much more support.

DJ: Is there a story behind the name NDTC?

BM: Well, it’s straight-forward: National Dance Theatre Company because we are a theatrical
production, more than dance – we have singers, musicians, narrative storylines….and
dance.

DJ: We are sorry for the loss of Prof. Nettleford. Please share with us anything that
he has left with you which has made you a better person, performer or leader.

BM: 1. “One must accept knowledge.”
2. He stressed education and doing whatever you do to the best of your ability.
3. Compassion – he was very compassionate.
4. The importance of communication.

*******
Arsenio Andrade. Cuban Master Teacher, Choreographer & Dancer, NDTC – Arsenio started with the NDTC in 1995. Vital to modern day NDTC’s image, Andrade thrills his audience with his clean, soulful, expert and powerful technique – he is definitely a landmark and a highlight of each NDTC season.

DJ: How did you come to be a part of the NDTC?
AA: My dance teacher in Cuba, Eduardo Rivero Walker knew Prof. Nettleford well. He came to Jamaica on three occasions to conduct workshops with NDTC. He encouraged me to come to Jamaica, be a part of NDTC and continue his work which was to develop dance throughout the Caribbean. I came to help.

DJ: What was your perception of NDTC before you became a member and in what ways, if at all, has this perception been modified?
AA: I always considered it a privilege to be a part of NDTC even when I was still living in Cuba. When I just moved here, I didn’t understand why the dancers came to each class and rehearsal, stayed til late at night and came back the next day: for free. It was only after a while that I understood and saw that Professor’s dream was coming true which was for people to be professional, take what they are doing seriously yet be passionate about it and feed their passion.

DJ: Did you always want to be a dancer?
AA: No, never. Happened by God’s grace. I was actually involved in martial arts as a boy, but my mother hated how dirty and untidy I looked every day after school. Someone encouraged her to send me to ballet. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get kicked out. It was an impossible task. They kept saying “he has got talent.”

DJ: How is the culture here different, if at all, from your culture? Do you have any desire to promote your culture while residing in Jamaica?
AA: Big, big difference in culture. 85% of Cubans know art. In Cuba, if an artist walks down the street, people will whisper “There is the great artist So and So.” It’s not like that in Jamaica. In Cuba, to be a dancer is to be proud of what you do. In Jamaica, there is a problem with how dancers are summed up. In Cuba, boys and girls walk down the street in their leotard tights showing under their uniforms. In Jamaica, it’s mostly girls who dance in schools.
Yes, I always promote my culture fully. When I teach however, I tend to add a Jamaican flavour – I incorporate Kumina, Dinki Mini, a bit of reggae etc. I use different ethnic techniques but I stay true to my roots.

DJ: Who do you pledge allegiance to?
AA: My country, my revolution, Fidel Castro. He gave me a great opportunity which changed my life. I am also loyal to Eduardo and dance in general.

DJ: Where do you see the art of dance positioned in 20 years?
AA: There is a new generation of Jamaican dancers coming up. They need a lot of strong guidance. They are the future. They want to become professional; I hope they reach their destination. Everyone has to come together, work hard and be exceptional ambassadors for the Caribbean. The whole region needs to support the youth; everyone: government, everyone.

DJ: Do you believe the Caribbean needs a revolution in how we contemplate, treat and promote art forms? What are your thoughts?
AA: I notice that here, everything is “Jamaica, no problem”. But still, we cannot find a solution. I think we have to back up our art with compensation. Most are not interested in dance auditions when they are advertised in the papers. But I am sure if the ads also said that for instance, you could earn J$20,000 if successful at the audition, there would be crowds. It is time to take dance and art in general more seriously, in every way. But, no, no revolution needed. Just more dedication and a more serious approach.

DJ: What’s the secret behind the term “como agua para chocolate”?
AA: I don’t really know (after being prodded)….girls use it to describe cute guys they like.
DJ: But what does water have to do with chocolate?
AA: When you open a cocoa pod, to loosen up the beans which the chocolate comes from, you have to use water.
******
Marlon Simms. Dance Captain, NDTC. A young but still well-seasoned headliner for NDTC, Marlon always wanted to teach, dance and make a strong impact on the younger generation. He currently lectures Dance at the Edna Manley College of the Visual and Performing Arts (EMCVPA), fulfilling this dream. Marlon is passionate about all he does and hates the fact that people assume that dancers are unintelligent. His father is very supportive and makes it to every season of NDTC’s productions.

DJ: At what time today did your first thought concerning dance enter your consciousness?
MS: Oh my goodness, when am I never [thinking about dance]? I have no free time to think about anything else…my work outside NDTC revolves around dance, because I am also a Dance lecturer at Edna Manley College. I think about dance constantly, even when I am sleeping.

DJ: Do you go to nightclubs and gully creep/nuh linga/sweep/dagger/wine down low? Is this encouraged at NDTC?
MS: We call it “cultural research.” We go to parties from time to time to observe what we term “urban folk” which is really popular dancing. We’ve noticed that the majority of these new dances that keep springing up have roots in traditional folk dancing. Sometimes, I watch and then say “that’s not new!”

DJ: Have you done enough to ensure that dance lives on, at the highest level for time beyond?
MS: No! Can you ever do enough? Prof. did so much and still could have done so much more if he was still around. At the end of the day, though, you just have to do your best.

DJ: Where do you want to see dance from the Caribbean in the next 15 to 25 years?
MS: I want to see dance in every school. I want to see dancers surviving from their craft. I am proud to affirm my involvement in the creation of the Bachelor of Fine Arts degree now available for a choice of study at EMCVPA.

DJ: What is the future of dance in the Caribbean?
MS: EMCVPA is pivotal to the future of dance in the [English-speaking] Caribbean. Several plans and new ventures are being initiated in the near future with the objective to really take Caribbean Arts including Dance to a higher level. I am very proud to be a part of this strategy for positive change.
******
Tricia Melville. Jamaican Professional who resides and dances with Youthquake, a dance company in Tobago – Tricia has always wanted to experience dance in its original setting. After living in Tobago for over 6 years, she unapologetically states that her Jamaican culture has been ‘diluted’. “I think this is inevitable,” she says, mentioning that her Jamaican accent has been affected by the change in location. A star performer with excellence as her constant motivation, she dreams of making it big!

DJ: Does culture matter at the end of the day? Does it change the price of a beef patty? How are the patties in T&T?
TM: Very different. There is always a version of the beef patty, a version of dancehall music. But most of the time only a Jamaican would see the big difference.

DJ: How important is passing on a legacy to the youth? Of your country? Of the wider Caribbean?

TM: More important to me would be the older culture, older values, older morals. They are richer [while, now] we are being heavily influenced by the American culture… [it can be] hard to change or make a difference.

DJ: Where do you see the art of dance positioned in 20 years?
TM: It is growing, being offered at UWI at different levels. The competitions are getting more sponsorship. I don’t think it will ever die. Even the rules for the competitions ask for more authenticity.

DJ: Are you as passionate about the youth as you are about…let’s see….giving your leg muscles a thorough stretch before a strenuous routine?
TM: Those that are involved voluntarily I give a hearty applause. I always encourage youth; dancing is a very good co-curricular activity that can help keep them out of trouble. Ironically the worst ghetto in Trinidad – “Laventille,” has the most successful dance group (Northwest Laventille). If I attend a practice there I have no fear of getting robbed… everyone is just there to lime.
*******
Damien Jordan. Barbadian Dancer. Silver Medallist – NIFCA. Damien loves dancing especially “wukking up” which is widely acknowledged as a Bajan innate ability. He believes that dance opportunities are more favourable to females in his country and that by 2050 the whole world will be able to wuk up. He “dabbles” in African, Jazz, Caribbean and folk forms of dance. He also coaches track to young athletes.

NIFCA or National Independence Festival of Creative Arts is a well-established and highly revered, annual Barbadian festival. It celebrates excellence in arts and is the jumping board for many gifted Barbadian artists.

DJ: Do you think your genre of dance will last?
D. Jordan: Yes I know it will last because dance is a part of everyday life.

DJ: As a dancer, do you feel misconstrued at times? Do you have to constantly make declarations or prove who you are? Do you give a damn?

D. Jordan: No I don't give a damn. I live my life for me and don't matter what you do people will talk.

DJ: Tell me about your most recent, exhilarating and enjoyable performance.
D. Jordan: My most enjoyable performance was being a part of Blood's winning performance of "Foot on Fire" at the recently concluded Soca Royale.

DJ: Are you optimistic and hopeful about Caribbean dance and arts in general? Is it going/to reach far? Have we made it as yet as a region in terms of being leaders in world Arts? What more needs to be done if at all?
D. Jordan: It has come far and it will go even further. We are a talented group - the Caribbean, just like how we dominate track we will dominate dance. I do believe countries can do more by creating more programs to help nurture the arts.
******
TIPPA. Jamaican Popular or “Street” Dancer. Co-Host of Jamaican TV Programme – “Intense” – Tippa is an authentic dancehall culture historian who knows various facts ranging from origins of dancehall dance names to what it takes to make it in the industry to how to smartly market and fund popular dance events. He also teaches dancing to various groups not limited to Jamaicans. I met up with him at a fabulously exhilarating dance class in New Kingston, Jamaica.

DJ: Why did you go into dancing as a career, this type of dance and is there something you want to make a statement about or prove by being a “street dancer”?
TIPPA: The industry is lucrative. I make money quietly by teaching, doing workshops, coming in videos etc.

DJ: Is there a place for popular or street dancing in the big picture? How far do you think dancehall moves can go?

TIPPA: Dancehall moves are international – you had Bogle the dance, and Bogle the dancer. Carlene the dancehall queen brought in the dance named Butterfly. And Sean Paul (Jamaican Grammy-award winning Deejay) took dancehall to another level with his Gimme Di Light music video. I choreographed a music video by Wayne Wonder called No Holding Back, and it was big too. The world already knows about dancehall moves and the music. From long, long time.

DJ: Tell me your thoughts on the perception that the dance world in Jamaica is very elitist and hierarchical.
TIPPA: Most of the people in this [dance class] are uptown (privileged class). Times are changing. Music videos have changed the way we look at dance especially dance from yaad (Jamaica). I think that my show on TV helps people to accept popular dance more than before. They realize from my show that it’s not just indecent grinding, but much more than that.

DJ: Do you think street dancing gets the respect and credit it deserves?
TIPPA: It is well respected in plenty foreign countries. Japanese love it, people in the Caribbean and even English people respect it and love when I go there and do shows and workshops. They respect me as a Jamaican man from the ghetto who is about positivity - I don’t smoke, I don’t have a police record – they respect what I stand for.

DJ: In light of the challenging global economics and turbulence in Jamaica’s political and social arenas….how are you affected, if at all?
TIPPA: I had to stop some of my classes because they couldn’t pay me.

DJ: Is your genre of dance getting sufficient funding and support from the government? Should they be obligated to enrich your field?
TIPPA: The government helps a little by funding the Jamaica Cultural Development Commission (JCDC) competition each year which has a section for Popular Dance. But nothing apart from that from them. We need more help from them. The private sector does help though, if you go with a smart plan, they will help if they can.

At the end of the interview, TIPPA who I refer to as the Professor of Dancehall Dancing, pointed out to me that I had not asked him a very important question which is as follows:
TIPPA: What is dancehall?
DJ: Ha Ha. Ok, what is dancehall?
TIPPA: Dancehall is Fashion, Music and Dancing Space.
*****

MUSIC

is essentially multi-cultural, multi-purpose, multitudinous in its users and fans and at the same time individualistic in how any given arrangement can impact on a given person. Music from the Caribbean is one of the most popular genres worldwide and so many non-Caribbean listeners are becoming better experts and know-it-alls on Caribbean music than our own people! These interesting tidbits in the end all consolidate the fact that music is a wonderful blessing; that we should try very hard to preserve, innovate and perpetuate for as long as we can.
I got a great and lucky opportunity to speak with three musicians: a final year Music major from Jamaica, a Barbadian keyboardist and a Tobagonian drummer. The future of music certainly seems secure and bright!
*****
Play, play, play Mr. Music

Caniggia Palmer. 19 y/o. Solo Pianist/Accompanist. Final Year Student at EMCVPA. Jamaican. Caniggia started playing the piano at age 11, thinks much more could be done to aid the arts due to his experience as a student at EMCVPA, is amused that people constantly ask him if he is related to Adijah “Vybz Kartel” Palmer and is a big fan of said Jamaican entertainer.

DJ: Do you think your future as a musician is uncertain? Do you have a plan? If so, will you give us as much or as little detail as you like?
CP: My future is definitely certain, I know that I will go on to do great things, and this is why I am making sure that I have my education as priority. God's willing I will be able to go straight into doing my Ph.D. With that, here in Jamaica or anywhere else I would be in great demand to run big things.

DJ: If I said to you, “You have no ambition because you have chosen music…. you are going to become a drug abuser, womanizer and alcoholic”….How would you respond to me?

CP: That is nonsense, I can be whoever I want to be without being influenced, every man has his/her own mind. And who are you to tell me I have no ambition, you are saying that Bob Marley had no ambition? Steven McGregor has no ambition? Romain Virgo has no ambition? Think again!

DJ: Was there anybody or group of persons that encouraged you to “follow your dream”…tell us about your mentors.
CP: My family is my encouraging force, without them I wouldn’t be able to reach thus far.

DJ: Does Caribbean music still exist? Or is there too much cross-pollination with other world genres? Do either or both matter in the long run?
CP: Caribbean music definitely still exists because there is still reggae, dancehall, soca, etc. And the fusions that [we've been] having since the 21st Century are basically for the better as well, as the music will continue to grow.
*****

Kerry “KcBelle” Belgrave. 22 y/o. Barbadian keyboardist and Gospel musician. Kerry believes that Caribbean music can be seen as neither good nor bad but can be viewed as untamed and untrained. He says “sometimes, the ingredients that one island puts into their music may not be something well received in another country but once dealt with accordingly can create interest from even beyond the island’s and region’s shores.”

DJ: Where do you want your music to go? How is the ride so far?
KB: As far as possible. My group is a relatively new group which is in the developing stages but we have benefitted in having our music played online and in one or two other islands. For me that is always a good place to begin where my product is appreciated by others than your own people because then you get a real sense of appreciation for your own style.

DJ: What do you think is music’s main purpose? Does this main purpose make the potentially secondary ones illegitimate? Why?
KB: I’m not sure I fully understand your question, however from what I gather I’ll respond accordingly. Some people use music to make money while others use it to entertain or educate. For me, music was created to give “God praise” and that being my main focus, all other things fall beneath that. I do know that music can uplift as well as “bring down” a person depending on how it impacts on their emotions so I pay very careful attention to how and why I produce what I produce.

DJ: Do you think in 100 years Caribbean music will still exist? Do you want it to?
KB: I’m not sure because there are so many fusions in music that there may not even be a “distinct” name for any one genre. However I do believe that the main elements that make our music what it is today may be present then and as a result we may still have our “unique sound”.
*****
Allen Douglas. 27 y/o Tobagonian “African” drummer. Former member of Youth quake. Presently member of Heartbeats Drummers. Allen’s main objective as a drummer is to share culture and bring as high a performance in music as is possible. He declares that drumming symbolizes to him - “life, the center of my life; [it] defines my personality, it means joy and happiness to me, even in a spiritual sense.”

DJ: If I said to you, “You won’t reach far. Drumming not reaching nowhere. If you not a Jamaican deejay or a young female [Bajan] sex symbol you not getting no Grammy”……what would you say to me?
AD: Is true, cause they are more popular.

DJ: Do you think in 100 years Caribbean music will still exist? Do you want it to?
AD: Of course to both, because it identifies us from the American and the European [music].

DJ: What does your family think about your decision to pursue drumming seriously?
AD: That I will fail.

DJ: What song played in your head the last time you looked into the eyes of a beautiful woman?
AD: Boys to Men – Dear God.
******

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS:
Many many thanks to all artists interviewed. Thank you for taking the time to sit with me, or chat with me online or by phone. Special thanks to Marlon Simms who very much made it all happen on the Jamaican side and Mr. Barry Moncrieffe who is so very accommodating, generous and endearing. On the side of the rest of the Caribbean, I owe a huge favour to Tricia Melville, who took pains to get my questions answered by all the artists she knew in the region. My gratitude also goes to my Barbadian friend Jamar White, who made it his duty to get me an interview with Damien Jordan. Lastly, I thank Miss Trina-Kay Melville and Mr. Keino Seinor – without whom I would not have been able to contact either Tricia or Marlon. I owe you guys a huge package of favours.
Muchas gracias a todos!

Views on Dance in Jamaica, Trinidad and Tobago

2010-09-10T13:57:00.000-07:00

Here we go! Hope you like!

Pooh See Clort.

2010-09-03T11:22:00.000-07:00

Writing my first Investigative Journalistic Piece

2010-08-30T22:30:00.000-07:00

I wanted to wait until my spirits lifted before speaking about my adventures with writing my piece, originally titled, "What is the Future of Dance and Music in the Caribbean?" for the site I speak about a lot these days.

Today wasn't as great either but the night at home is going well - the Vicissitudes always cheers me up, because I work fairly hard to keep it true and enlightening. So, I took my time and looked at my stats and reread some posts that some of my readers like. And, I honestly think, it's time for me to quit the bitching and embrace all the beauty that is left...which is plenty, tenk Gawd. :)

So, when I got the instructions from my Latineos editor, an exciting Martinican, I was rearing to go. I had no idea where I would really start and how it would pan out, but I reassured myself that if I was able to joke out all of first year college (doing term papers in the early morning hours of the day they were due, drinking excessively, sleeping in every single class for a whole semester)and at the end, still come out flying high and with dignity....I said, artistic investigative journalism? Piece a Pastry Passions' chocolate bread pudding! With rum sauce!!!!

I wrote the introductions to both sections and waited for my trip to Little Theatre to watch NDTC's performance....I'm still waiting! A little friend of mine botched that trip several times for the month so I took matters in my own hands and arranged for interviews with key dancers and the Artistic Director. This went very very well :)

But before these interviews, the wireless router at home told me the same thing that Clive Owen told Julia Roberts in the movie, Closer. This was: "Now fuck off and die. You fucked up SLAG".

Yep, my router skinned out his batty to me and popped right down. I was left stranded, with only a single ADSL cable to share with my parents. I told myself - pray. So, I said one day, after making sure not to swear too much for a few minutes: God, help me.

Probably two days later I got a call from the largest mobile company in Jamaica. They were advertising 4G Broadband wireless modems. I jumped at it, rejoicing that the Lord loved me even though I thought about so many various perverse activities daily and used expressions that probably had my Grandma saying "In the name of Jesas" or "Jesas Crise af Nazaretttt!!!" from wherever she was observing (and hopefully smiling). By the next day, a technician came to install the system for me.

Wow! He was a lactose intolerant technician, so the whole time, while he spoke with me, I was initially disgusted then later amused because his allergies had set in (he had drunk a Supligen) and his nose was running like it was being hunted by a maimer. When he finally left (after getting to my house two and a half hours late, on a work morning)...I thought all my problems had been solved....WRONG! The service is still quite shitty to say the least...but I can do a bit of surfing in my room so....

This was two weeks into my month-long time frame. I was quite nervy by this time, having only one completed email interview.

I got everything done!!!! The Dance Captain for NDTC did me so many beautiful gestures of kindness and made me realize that I don't have to be jaded about success - PEOPLE CAN STILL BE NICE!!!! I had a lovely interview with a Cuban dancer which was a bit uncomfy at times because I had not completely had a Cuban in mind when I had inserted a few questions such as " What factors motivate the migration of your countrymen from your homeland?", to which he said so facetiously and sweetly: I don't know about anybody else. I came here on a contract to dance. I did not come on a raft." (This exchange was not included in the final draft.) I really enjoyed that interview.

I also enjoyed my interview with Tippa, a popular street dancer, who was conducting a dancehall aerobics class at a posh New Kingston hotel's health club. I leaned up on the wall, trying my best to keep my hips stationary. The place was becoming a real "winery" but I held on tight to my self control and played it cool until he stopped doing "the butterfly" better than Carlene the original Dancehall Queen. The interview with him was great and he spoke very candidly. For example, I asked him- Do you want to make it to the top and bring street dancing there with you? He answered that, he wasn't going after the top as his aim, because he had seen far too many dancers "sell out" and do things he would never consider doing to get there. I found this very profound - he just wants to be happy and not unaware of who he is.

In terms of the rest of the Caribbean, I got so much help from my friend in Tobago who dances there and has quite insightful and unique views on culture. She was able to put me on to a good number of nationalities and I owe her soooo much for that. My friend from Barbados helped me also, and I was able to snag a great interview from a Bajan King of Wuk Up. Both the Dance Captain and the Jamaican in T&T are links through two great friends of mine, Trina-Kay and Keino. I won't stop acknowledging their importance in making my article happen. Thanks guys!

The musician interviews were also great. The first completed interview came from a friend of mine who is a very talented pianist. That was a very funny interview! He lamented afterwards that I asked a few questions that were too difficult to answer. But, I didn't mind because he made me a little less hopeless about the article since he was the first one to submit a response.

I also interviewed a Tobagonian drummer who does quite a bit in the African genre. I found his interview starkly revealing, especially where he stated matter of factly that his parents think he will fail at drumming, which is what he loves and is his passion.

The Barbadian keyboardist I interviewed via email is very very articulate and intelligent. He answered every question expertly especially the one he started off by admitting that he wasn't sure what the question was asking.

I think though, that the person who I found to be my favourite in terms of interview behaviour was Mr. Barry Moncrieffe, the Artistic Director for NDTC. The man is soooo warm and nice! And I made two severe faux pas! The first night I met him, I spoke with him SEVERAL times. I knew he was the Artistic Director but I had not caught his name. So, after I had exhausted Dance Captain Marlon and Arsenio, the AD begged me to come back the following day since he was a bit preoccupied. I acquiesced and made to part saying, Could you remind me of your name? He smiled sweetly and said "Barry Moncrieffe".....I was thoroughly embarrassed! How could I not remember how he looked? This man is the power house behind the most elite fashion designing company in Jamaica, he is a famous dancer, and a whole other bevy of titles and accomplishments. And I didn't even know the man's name. But...it didn't end there. After I arranged and conducted a lovely telephone interview, on the day of my deadline, mind you :) he encouraged me to stop by during the show and snag a copy of a beautiful Anniversary program so that I could have authorized pictures to use. As I strolled in to Little Theatre once more, the front desk clerk told me to open the auditorium door and ask the usher to show me Mr Moncrieffe; the usher was right at the front, I was told.....

I opened the auditorium door. There was a tall man in an impeccably tailored white shirt leaned up on the railing watching the show intently. I tapped him and said, Excuse me, are you the usher?"........

......Mr. Moncrieffe gave my hand a warm squeeze plus I got a hug. I guess, I was refreshing - being so stupid it was perhaps endearing :)

I got my pictures. And I feel so much less jaded about greatness. We don't all have to turn into assholes if we make it.

Writing this article really helped me grow in various ways. I was very very happy to have contributed this work to Latineos. After sharing this, I really am hopeful that I will rejoice in all my blessings more and ease off the bruk vibes issues of who don't love me right.

Thank you God for this beautiful gift of life :)

Latineos

2010-08-14T10:14:00.000-07:00

Let me officially introduce everyone to Latineos a big hearted, on the way to the sky literary magazine-esque website that has as one of its objectives, a hugging closer of Latin American and Caribbean peoples.

I'm working on a new article for them. Stay tuned, it's going to be HATT!

Pree Mi Again

2010-07-25T18:21:00.000-07:00

http://tonguesoftheocean.org/2010/07/elegy-for-sylvia-plath/

"Parade" (Inspired by the Scene in He's Just Not That Into You where the wife screams "You lying sack of Shit.")

2010-07-20T11:04:00.000-07:00

Parade

Noisy, dirty and stifling, that place.
Teefs, coke heads and mad men
abound. Thoughtless, almost cruel
drivers. Packed with people
who display no teet or gold teet;
laugh at the sun’s spearing rays
and me. They all saw,

How I couldn’t hide from the glare
of the kiss, the matching pairs
of soft brown eyes.

When I went home, it was dark,
late evening. I hadn’t seen the sun set;
I had walked to a park and tried to run away,
only to realize the track was a circle – no matter
what I did, I kept seeing start/end…start/end.

I crawled into my bed and read last month’s letter:
Look into my heart,
Look into my heart,
Look into my heart!
You know how I feel about you, don’t you?
For God’s sake, stop raining on my parade!

No rain tonight, I mused, burrowing
into starched sheets.

Pree Mi.

2010-07-16T10:47:00.001-07:00

first big gig.

Commute....2 Days Before Father's Day

2010-07-11T20:43:00.000-07:00

Wednesday Afternoon Funeral

2010-07-03T06:52:00.000-07:00

My church sister's life was celebrated this week. I don't remember her, not even from the picture on her funeral programme. But, her name is Pearl. Affectionately called Miss Pearl.

I came out of the church office that day and decided to attend the funeral, for reasons of which some will be undisclosed.

I noticed that some of the loved ones were fainting and being hauled out of the church into sunlight and fresh air.

The funeral started. I sat in a pew near the back of the church. The liturgist began the ceremonial talk and started to introduce the order of the service. There was a stomach turning wail. It sounded like how I imagined an exorcism of a demon would sound...it was deep, loud and excruciating in its pain.
My eyes began to well with tears.

I tried to blink them away - I was at a church sister's funeral who I did not even know. I should not cry. I would look like an unhinged person. My tears began to flow.

My Grandma, who was also called Miss Pearl affectionately, suffered so very much before she died. She'd been very sick. The extent of her sickness we didn't realize until it was too late. I've come to terms with the fact that she wanted to go home. I miss her, but I'm glad she is finally resting.

But it hurt me, watching her suffer. Suffering is such cruelty.

So, when I heard that anguish coming out in that cry in the funeral on Wednesday, my brain said to my heart which said to my eyes - It's ok. And I wept.

My mascara was runny, and my eyeliner. The son came up after and did a musical tribute to his mom. The eulogy was gulped, stammered and trembled out. And my tears flowed. I actually rubbed my own hair and back emotionally and said, it's ok. You can cry.

My Grandma gave me so much love. The quality love that we hear about in novels and see in movies. Sometimes, we experience it in our own lives. No greater love hath a man, than he lay down his life for his friends. My Grandma was my friend.

I feel desolate sometimes because the only part left of that great love I experienced through her is in my memory. It is no longer here. I cried at the funeral because it touched me how unchecked the family's emotions were. Because I saw a similarity in how much Sister Pearl and her family loved each other. I cried because I felt alone. Because I had lost my love.

I love you TPP.